Moving on up

Today we moved into a much larger home. We upgraded from a 3 bedroom 2,400 square foot home to a 5 bedroom 3,900 square foot home. 

I was over the moon excited for the move until it happened. You see, almost everything that is important to me happened in my last house. It was the first house I bought with my husband. It was the home I brought my babies home to. It was the home I found out I was pregnant in. I gave myself my injections for the IVF cycle that gave me Jack in our guest bedroom. When I was 8 months pregnant I painted his nursery. In that same bathroom 1 & 1/2 years later I found out I was pregnant with Lucy at 3 in the morning. Was I was 7 months pregnant I painted her nursery. Now those rooms will mean nothing to the new owners, it’s just paint on a wall to them.

I knew the minute I walked into that I house I was home. It felt like an old friend and it had been so good to me. Every aspect of it felt good. I loved the layout and all of the finishes.

Our new house is nice and it will do well to serve our family but it still doesn’t feel like home. I know I haven’t been here very long. I’m sure in time it will start to feel like home. But at the moment I feel like all of my stuff is in a strangers house. 

I also realize I’m having total first world problems because I’m whining over the fact that an almost 4,000 square foot house doesn’t feel like home. 

What to do

Well, I’m stuck in an awkward place. I’d like to continue to use my blog and post about my life but I feel like my posts would seem mean and heartless for other women in the community. I know creating a new blog seems like a logical step but I don’t want to do that because my life now is a part of my infertility journey. And all two of my followers would have to find me again, it just seems silly to do that to them.

I guess what I think would be best for me would be to keep the blog and if I offend people then they can stop following me. So I’m keeping it and I’m going to use it to talk about my life and my two kids.

Baby Lucy

Two weeks ago I had my second baby via c-section. She is a very heathy baby girl and eats like a champ! I’m still shocked that she happened but I couldn’t be happier to have her. We really did luck out with these two!

Not baby related

I am in need of school supplies for my 4th and 5th grade math classes next school year. If you would like to make a teacher’s day or are just feeling generous please donate to my project. Also, if you know anyone else interested please send my information their way! Thank you times a billion!

http://www.donorschoose.org/project/interactive-math-notebooks/1585187/?rf=link-siteshare-2015-06-account_projects_teacher-teacher_2959582&challengeid=20595209

Baby # 2

My free gift with purchase baby is doing very well. We had our 2nd trimester ultrasound on Wednesday and everything looks perfect. We found out that our baby is going to be a girl, so now we’ll have one of each. 

I’m still surprised that I somehow managed to get pregnant on my own. I guess now I need to start thinking about birth control options since I really didn’t after Jack’s birth. My infertility issues are truly unexplained!

First appointment

I had my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday-things went okay. I don’t feel any less nervous than I did before the appointment. The baby’s measurements were off by 5 days. I should’ve been 8 weeks and 5 days but the baby was measuring 8 weeks. I’m actually not surprised by this and sort of expected it since my cycles were around 32 days and not 28. So it could mean something or it could be exactly right, only time will tell.

The other thing that really has me freaked out is the bleed they found. The tech didn’t call it a subchorionic hemorrhage but that’s more than likely what it is (she just called it a bleed). I’m taking their lead on this and since no one seems worried I’m trying to also not be worried, so much easier said then done.

The heart rate was good, I even got to hear it. I know that’s a good thing and has lowered my chances of miscarriage. So I’ll keep that in mind and stay positive!

Obsessed

Sadly, I long for my IVF pregnancy so very much. Yes, that means I miss having my blood drawn every three days (I still have scar) and an ultrasound wand shoved up my vagina at least once every two weeks. BUT then I had a weekly update on how my little nugget was doing. Now I have to depend on my pregnancy symptoms. That means I OBSESS over them, like a crazy person. Unfortunately for me I found out crazy early and therefore my symptoms have been all over the place. I keep thinking this pregnancy is doomed, I need to try to stay positive but it’s hard considering where I’ve been. Getting pregnant on my own has been very bittersweet. I’m so happy because I didn’t know if it was possible but I’m so scared because I’m not sure how it will end. I think I need therapy.

Confirmation?

I took another HPT last night, it was positive. I’m going to call my doctor this morning and setup an appointment. I’m still majorly shocked. We seriously only tried for one month, I just got my period back, I’ve only had one. So after the almost four years of heartache and stress (which led to the most wonderful little boy so it was all worth it!), I’m having a hard time believing that it can happen the first time I’m even certain I ovulated (well clearly I did but woah). Of course I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop because I’m not this lucky-I need to force myself to think happy thoughts.

Well crap!

That my friends is a very faint, very positive pregnancy test. I’m aware that it’s a dreaded blue line test BUT that picture was taken during the testing window. Which means it’s not an evap line since, you know, my pee was still all nice and fresh.
I’m a little overwhelmed since I didn’t expect this to happen, at all. If I knew that my husband and I would’ve been able to conceive on our own then I would’ve been a little more strategic about things. I realize to all my infertiles out there that I sound like some ungrateful monster. I swear I’m not ungrateful just shocked-we’ve only been trying for one month. I got my period back the day after Christmas (yay Merry Christmas to me!).
I am also aware of the fact that this could be a chemical pregnancy. I’m actually okay with that because it would mean that we can conceive on our own. This was something I once thought was impossible. Of course I want it to be real but only time can tell.
I’ll test again in a few days to see. This time I’ll get some FRER tests so no more blue lines.
If I’m pregnant that means I’m no longer infertile, so strange!

Baby # 2

No, I’m not pregnant again (even though everyone swears that it will just happen). I’ve just been thinking a lot about having a second child. Mainly because I’m greedy and one wonderful baby isn’t enough for me. But seriously I would like another; I just don’t know if I can handle another IVF cycle. I realize that I’m very lucky but what if I’m not so lucky the next time around. The stress the first time drove me insane, I’m not sure if I can handle it again.
Like I said, everyone keeps telling me how someone they know got magically pregnant right after giving birth to their lovely IVF baby. I’m not counting on this happening for me (but wouldn’t that be great). But also since I have unexplained infertility I do have a small amount of hope that it might. Ugh, that hope is the worst; it’s what broke me the first time.
I’m just feeling so all over the place with this. I do what another baby but if it doesn’t happen naturally then it’s not going to happen at all. Who knows maybe I’ll change my mind in a few months and do more IVF.